Welcome to The Golden Sparrow Flies
Welcome to my blog, The Golden Sparrow Flies.
The Golden Sparrow is the name of my 2016 Gold Beetle Dune. My first new car. I bought this car during a time of great internal change and growth. As I was describing to a friend/colleague of mine just how significant this car was for me, she asked if I had named it. I haven’t ever named a car before but somehow it seemed appropriate and I was curious what she would come up with. She said, “It looks like a Golden Sparrow” and with that has come a way to express this time of internal growth and change.
When I drive The Golden Sparrow, with my music playing louder than I would like to admit, I contemplate and meditate the deepest. The excitement of driving such a fun car, the music and the stories that fill them combine and I am drawn into them, lulled into a kind of hypnotic state that opens my soul and allows my thoughts, feelings and memories to connect in a way that brings me peace and understanding to all my experiences.
Why write a blog?
As these experiences occurred more often I began to look forward to what song would inspire the magical like connections. And, I contemplated writing them down as a way of documenting what felt like TRUTHS. I felt I wanted, and somehow needed, to share these important connections. I wanted to put words to my experience, and to learn how to express my experiences. But that voice I know so well, you probably know the one too, the critical one that immediately squashes all hope by simply whispering oh so loudly in your head, “Why would anyone be interested in YOUR thoughts? Why would the connections you make possibly be of any interest to anyone else? How dare you think so highly of yourself, and, furthermore, who do you think you are to even hope that it would be of worth. You can’t even write very well. So lofty and wordy. Don’t fool yourself. You can’t write.”
I have listened, believed and obeyed that voice more times than not. Learning to listen and respond to the other voice is why I’m writing this blog. That voice, that small restricted voice that reminds me, “You have something of value to offer the world and I believe you have value too” needs to be unrestricted so that I can fly and soar in my very essence can bring hope and connection.
Throughout my life, I have struggled with self-confidence, feeling unacceptable or simply not good enough and somehow unworthy. This way of thinking has kept me from learning how to speak from my true self. This silence has cost me dearly. Being unable to express my self almost cost me my life.
During my initial treatment for anorexia, I was meeting with the staff psychiatrist, and I was telling her my belief in possessing no talent, nor specialness and that I just knew I had no value. How she responded to me has stayed with me. She said, “Well, Jean, if we all believed that, nothing would ever get done in the world and nothing would ever change.”
Over the years, I have come to understand that there is a difference between experiencing life and expressing it. In fact, it is only recently that I have come to understand just how important it is for me to put words to my story. By giving life to my experiences my healing is further encouraged and my personal worth elevates. But the vulnerability I feel as I speak those words I am learning is frightening. But, my need to express myself and share of myself is greater, bigger and larger than the fear of the vulnerability. And, rather than denying it or judging myself, I choose, instead, to risk. And, as my dietician has repeatedly reminded me, “You can do it. So, then JUST DO IT.”
We all have value and we all have something to say. Each of us views the world through different eyes. I hope that, as my view is being changed by my experiences in the Golden Sparrow, that I am helped to feel better about the connections in my life. I am also hopeful that you, the reader, will also feel more connected and touched by me, thus, helping you feel that you, too, have value and a truth that needs to be shared with all the rest of US. I desire all of us to be able and willing to express the individual truths that only present themselves when we live from our authentic selves. Like my eating restriction, when we restrict who we are and withhold our voices and experiences from the world, we restrict our own essence from the world and the world is denied our contribution.
–Synchronicity is the occurrence of events that appear significantly related but have no discernible causal connection.—
I have come to believe that there is deep meaning, purpose and connection in everything we do. I personally experience synchronicity and it has had a powerful impact on my feelings of worth. Much of my blog will center on just how much synchronicity has impacted and affected my recovery, my healing and my personal growth. I hope to inspire others to begin to see the (synchronicity) connections in their own lives. Because I believe that when we feel connected to all that is around us, we feel loved and take reassurance that our experiences have value and our voices matter. And, when we feel we matter, our lives are fuller and we feel more fulfilled in it.
The Sound Of Silence
Our secrets keep us sick. It is an old quote from the 12 Step crowd. “The Sound of Silence” by Simon and Garfunkel came on while I was driving in the Sparrow today. I thought about how long I was convinced to stay silent about so many things going on inside me. I no longer want my insecurities and fears to keep me silent any longer. Because that silence caused one of the most devastating silences I’ve experienced. The deafening silence of Anorexia. Due to the life altering impact my eating disorder has obviously had on my life, it will be a topic that will often show up often in the blog. By sharing about my long standing struggle with my eating disorder and how my recovery is woven in with my overall healing and self-growth, I am no longer remaining silent and therefore no longer remaining sick.
The Golden Cage
‘The Golden Cage’ is a classic book about Anorexia. About two months after buying The Golden Sparrow I was sitting in a colleague’s office and noticed this book sitting in her bookcase. I thought about the weird yet very cool connection the two were. Noticing the irony, or rather, synchronicity, in the book’s name, I, of course, felt drawn to read it. The hair on the back of my neck stood up as I read the title of Chapter 2. “The Sparrow in a Cage.” Irony? Maybe. But I choose to see it through the eyes of synchronicity, “the occurrence of events that appear significantly related but have no discernible causal connection.”
The cage has been my eating disorder and I, the sparrow. By writing and expressing, I free myself from the cage of my dis-ease. The Golden Sparrow, in its cage like appearance, symbolizes the ‘vehicle’ of change. My anorexia can cage me and can do its work IN the cage. But, as I was once told by my dietician (a very wise woman that I will surely refer to often) that “the world needs to see you fly and soar and bring hope to a fallen world.”
Winding through each experience, each story and through every unique life is a kind of universal truth, the truth that we each matter because within each unique story and unique life is the universal truth that we are all made one through and by the connection. We are universally one.
There are many ways to recover from an eating disorder, unworthiness or from the other life’s traumatic events that I have experienced. Synchronicity leads my soul to do it this way. I hope to use this blog to help me heal more fully and strengthen my recovery and growth in self-worth. If my words and experiences connect to another, I hope to inspire by offering strength and understanding.
I certainly hope you enjoy reading and following my blog. I hope it inspires you learn to use the power of synchronicity and the power of sharing from your unique and authentic self so that you experience a life of connection and value and that you KNOW just how important you are to the universe. But my deepest hope is that by seeing your own life as meaningful that you are released from the restriction of any dis-ease.
The intricate process of womanhood is undeniably beautiful and complicated and what it means to be a woman is different for, well, each woman. What does it mean to you to be a woman? How would you describe what it’s like to be a woman? What does it even mean to you to be a woman?
I’ve lost my mind…at least it seems. A woman standing behind me points out my unzipped back pack; ‘Ma’am, you need some help closing that up. You might not want to lose anything in there.’ I politely complied. Moment later, the flight was cancelled. My friend goes into immediate action mode and seems to know exactly what options there are and begins to make decisions about how we can progress. In my freeze response – I don’t. I do, however, notice my feelings of lostness. My feelings of not knowing what to do and looking to others for direction. In that moment, the pattern, the role, the identity, the Me I know myself to be, had revealed herself to remain very present throughout the retreat. It was my ‘Passionately Held Bad Fit’ as it is referred to among us therapists.
My therapeutic approach is Somatic, I believe that for every thought and feeling there is a physical response in the body. Rather than just talking about your issues, you will experience a whole body therapeutic experience. You will learn to identify and connect with your sensations, learn to listen and rebuild trust with your body, experience healing from within and learn to release stress from your body.